12 Signs to Build Strength and Wisdom

12 signs to build strength and wisdom.Everyone is down on pain, and when we experience it we usually say we’re having a bad day, because we forget something important about what we’re going through: Pain is for the living – for those of us who still have the chance of a lifetime.  Only the dead don’t feel it, because their time is already up.

So with this in mind, here are twelve smart ways to turn all your daily wounds into wisdom and strength:

  1. Admit to your emotional pain, so you can deal with it and heal.– Emotional pain is less dramatic than physical pain, at least from the outside looking in, but it is more common and also more difficult to bear than broken bones.  The frequent attempt to conceal emotional pain increases the burden.  Don’t do this to yourself.  Sure, it is easier to say; “My leg is aching” than to say, “My heart is broken,” but that doesn’t mean your heart needs less self-care then your leg.  In fact, the exact opposite is true.
  1. Let go of what used to be and no longer is.– When you realize that none of it is yours – that you don’t get to claim or even keep any of it in the end – and when you’re willing to let go of attaching to anything you consider “mine,” you’re suddenly free.  There’s no need to grip or grasp.  Yet, one of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether its possessions, obsessions, anger, love or loss.  Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.  But letting go is always the healthiest path forward.  It clears out toxic attachments and thoughts from the past.  You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.  Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.
  1. Emotionally detach yourself from your problems.– You are a living, breathing human being who is infinitely more complex than all of your individual problems added up together.  And that means you’re more powerful than them – you have the ability to change them, and to change the way you feel about them.
  1. View every challenge as an educational assignment.– Ask yourself:  “What is this situation meant to teach me?”  Every situation in our lives has a lesson to teach us.  Some of these lessons include:  To become stronger.  To communicate more clearly.  To trust your instincts.  To express your love.  To forgive.  To know when to let go.  To try something new, learn something new, and never look back.
  1. Ask yourself more positive questions.– If you ask negative questions, you will get negative answers.  There are no positive answers to, “Why me?” “Why didn’t I?” “What if?” etc.  Would you allow someone else to ask you the demoralizing questions you sometimes ask yourself?  I doubt it.  So stop and swap them for questions that push you in a positive direction.  For instance, “What will I do right now to move forward?”
  1. Make small adjustments as you figure out what works and what doesn’t.– A big part of your life is a result of the choices you make.  If you don’t like some part of your life, then it is time to start making changes and better choices.  This change may not be easy, but it is possible.  Habits that keep us stuck in life are made in each moment, day by day.  Undoing these habits takes the same exact path.  Focus on the small things you can do right now, not the big things you can’t.  These small daily changes add up to huge results in the end.
  1. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.–The brick walls in life are there for a reason.  They are not there to keep you out.  They are there to give you a chance to show how badly you want something.  Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it as badly as you do.  They are there to stop the other people.
  1. Keep calm and focus on the positive.– The realist sees reality as concrete.  The OPTIMIST sees reality as clay.  Be the optimist and mold the clay your way.  Take what you’ve learned and build something new.  In other words, don’t see the difficulties in today’s opportunities; see the opportunities in today’s difficulties.  Write it on your heart that today is a chance of a lifetime.  And remember that there is always a reason to celebrate.  Slowing down long enough to celebrate the small victories creates momentum and inspiration to keep on keepin’ on.  I encourage my coaching clients and friends to celebrate every little thing, every chance they get.
  1. Consciously nurture your inner hope. No matter what sort of difficulties, or how painful an experience is, if you lose your hope, that’s your real tragedy.  So remember, a loss, a worry, an illness, a dream crushed – no matter how deep your hurt or how high your aspirations, do yourself a favor and pause at least once a day, place your hands over your heart and say aloud, “Hope lives here.”
  1. Remind yourself that you are not alone.– To lose sleep worrying about a friend.  To have trouble picking yourself up after someone lets you down.  To feel like less because someone didn’t love you enough to stay.  To be afraid to try something new for fear that you will fail.  None of this means you’re dysfunctional or crazy.  It just means you’re human, and that you need a little time to right yourself.  You are not alone.  No matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, there are others out there experiencing the same emotions.  When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it is your mind trying to sell you a lie.
  1. Pay less attention to other people’s opinions of you.– The truth is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you.  People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences.  Whether someone thinks you’re amazing, or believes you’re terrible, again, is more about them.  I am not suggesting we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback, but I am saying that too much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from taking things personally.  In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
  1. Embrace the new, stronger version of YOU.– You are not who you used to be, and that’s okay.  You’ve been hurt; you’ve gone through numerous ups and downs that have made you who you are today.  Over the years, so many things have happened – things that have changed your perspective, taught you lessons, and forced your spirit to grow.  As time passes, nobody stays the same, but some people will still tell you that you have changed.  Respond to them by saying, “Of course I’ve changed.  That’s what life is all about.  I’m still the same human being, just a little stronger now than I ever was before.”

10 Signs that you Subconsciously Believe it’s Wrong to be Happy

10 Subconscious Signs of UnhappinessThink of these 10 signs as manifestations of something deeper within your psyche. The underlying cause is an attachment to something negative. Again, attachments form in childhood when you learn what is right and wrong. Sometimes, you learn that it is wrong, or not advantageous, to be happy! They key to resolving these issues is to make them conscious, where conscious choice resides. Do any of the following apply to you?

  1. When you feel happy, you also feel anxious that it won’t last

Happiness is so unfamiliar to some that they don’t trust it. If, when you begin to feel happy, you get anxious that something bad is just around the corner, then at some level you believe happiness cannot last, or that it makes you vulnerable. This is unfortunate, but common. Many people believe that if they allow themselves to be happy, they are setting themselves up to get blindsided by something terrible. Therefore, it is not beneficial, according to this belief, to live in a state of happiness.

  1. When you feel good, you feel guilty

Most people feel guilty when they do something wrong. Some people feel guilty when they enjoy themselves, as if they were doing something wrong. If you grew up with people who did not allow you to be happy or express joy, then you learned it was wrong to be joyful. Now, you probably have a hard time letting loose and having a good time.

  1. You don’t express your needs

Millions of people allow others to take advantage or take them for granted. They will not speak up or put their foot down. Yes, people should not take you for granted, however, you can guarantee that they won’t if you speak up. Getting your needs met leads to fulfillment. Ignoring your needs is a sign that fulfillment is not something you are seeking. Why not?

  1. You are overly focused on the needs of others

Focusing on the needs of others is noble. Focusing solely on the needs of others at the expense of your own is a disservice to you and others. It typically leads to resentment and emotional torture.

  1. You cannot enjoy the moment

Letting go and having fun in the here and now is an important way to experience fulfillment and reduce stress. It is a huge need! In fact, happiness is just an awareness away, in the here and now. If you avoid the here and now, you are avoiding peace and presence.

  1. You attract emotionally unavailable or self-centered people

A sure way to NOT be happy is to attract emotionally unavailable or narcissistic people. When you commit to these kinds of people, you set yourself up for a lifetime of emotional deprivation.

  1. You expect disappointment or that things won’t work out

Expecting disappointment keeps happiness at a distance. The need to be physically and emotionally fulfilled is the juice of life! Going into situations anticipating disappointment often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

  1. You don’t know what you want or cannot define your purpose in life

Not knowing what you want or refusing to take time figure it out is a way to avoid your purpose in life. Living with a sense of purpose is a huge need that brings meaning and fulfillment.
If you find yourself “working for the weekend” then you are probably missing out on the deeper purpose of your life. Lasting happiness comes when you are in contact with a meaningful purpose.

  1. You avoid intimacy

The need for intimacy is fundamental to relationships and happiness. When you avoid close relationships or shy away from deeper connections with people, you miss out on this aspect of life.

  1. You relive the bad times, but observe the good times from a mental distance

Happy people tend to relive happy memories up close and view upsetting memories as if from a distance, like a neutral observer. Unhappy, pessimistic people tend to relive unpleasant memories up close and view the good memories from a distant, observer perspective.

Is it time for you to move beyond these patterns and give yourself permission to be happy.

10 Reasons Why You Can’t Say How You Feel

10 REASONS YOU CANT SAY HOW YOU FEELNot everyone finds expressing their feelings easy or having it come naturally. While the stereotype is that men have the hardest time expressing their emotions, everyone at one time or another in their life may find it difficult to say how they feel.

Learning why you have trouble expressing your feelings can go a long way into changing that behavior. Saying how you feel is something you can learn how to do, just as readily as you can learn how to fix a faucet or mend a button on a shirt. Here are ten common reasons why people find it difficult to express their emotions to someone else.

  1. Conflict Phobia

You are afraid of angry feelings or conflicts with people. You may believe that people with good relationships should not engage in verbal “fights” or intense arguments. In addition, you may believe that disclosing your thoughts and feelings to those you care about would result in their rejection of you. This is sometimes referred to as the “ostrich phenomenon” — burying your head in the sand instead of addressing relationship problems.

  1. Emotional Perfectionism

You believe that you should not have feelings such as anger, jealousy, depression, or anxiety. You think you should always be rational and in control of your emotions. You are afraid of being exposed as weak and vulnerable. You believe that people will belittle or reject you if they know how you really feel.

  1. Fear of Disapproval and Rejection

You are so terrified by rejection and ending up alone that you would rather swallow your feelings and put up with some abuse than take the chance of making anyone mad at you. You feel an excessive need to please people and to meet what you perceive to be their expectations. You are afraid that people would not like you if you expressed your thoughts and feelings.

  1. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

You pout and hold your hurt or angry feelings inside instead of disclosing what you feel. You give others the silent treatment, which is inappropriate, and a common strategy to elicit feelings of guilt (on their part).

  1. Hopelessness

You are convinced that your relationship cannot improve no matter what you do. You may feel that you have already tried everything and nothing works. You may believe that your spouse (or partner) is just too stubborn and insensitive to be able to change. These positions represent a self-fulfilling prophecy–once you give up, an established position of hopelessness supports your predicted outcome.

  1. Low Self-Esteem

You believe that you are not entitled to express your feelings or to ask others for what you want. You think you should always please other people and meet their expectations.

  1. Spontaneity

You believe that you have the right to say what you think and feel when you are upset. (Generally, feelings are best expressed during a calm and structured or semi-structured exchange.) Structuring your communication does not result in a perception that you are “faking” or attempting to inappropriately manipulate others.

  1. Mind Reading

You believe that others should know how you feel and what you need (although you have not disclosed what you need). The position that individuals close to you can “divine” what you need provides an excuse to engage in non-disclosure, and thereafter, to feel resentful because people do not appear to care about your needs.

  1. Martyrdom

You are afraid to admit that you are angry, hurt, or resentful because you do not want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that her or his behavior is unacceptable. Taking pride in controlling your emotions and experiencing hurt or resentment does not support clear and functional communication.

  1. Need to Solve Problems

When you have a conflict with an individual (i.e., your needs are not being met), avoiding the associated issues is not a functional solution. Disclosing your feelings and being willing to listen without judgment to the other is constructive.

 

10 Habits that Steal your Happiness

You ulti10 habits that steal your happinessultimately become what you repeatedly do.  If your habits aren’t helping you, they’re hurting you.  Here are a few examples of the latter that will steal your happiness if you let them:

1.  Focusing on everyone’s story except your own. Don’t be so satisfied with the success stories of others and how things have gone for them that you forget to write your own.  Unfold your own tale and bring it to life.  You have everything you need to become what you are capable of becoming.  Incredible change happens when you decide to take control.  This means consuming less and creating more.  It means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and deciding for you.  It means learning to respect and use your own ideas and instincts to write your passage.                                                                                                                                                          If you want your life story to soar to new heights, you’ve got to clear a path, reduce the time-sinks and burdens weighing you down, and pick up the things that give you wings.  Keep your best wishes and your biggest goals close to your heart and dedicate time to them every day.  If you truly care about what you do and you work diligently at it, there’s almost nothing you can’t accomplish.

2.  Waiting for the perfect moment. Don’t buy into the myth of the perfect moment.  Moments aren’t perfect; they’re what you make them.  So many people wait around for the stars to align to do what they’re here to do.  The perfect moment, the perfect opportunity, the perfect state of being, etc.  Wake up!  These states of perfection are myths.  They do not exist. Your ability to grow to your highest potential is directly related to your willingness to act in the face of imperfection.  You will come to succeed not by finding a perfect moment, but by learning to see and use life’s imperfections perfectly.

3.  Working for nothing more than a paycheck. Work without interest is imprisonment.  Even if you aren’t super-passionate about your work, you’ve got to at least be interested in it.  When you design a lifestyle in which your work is something you suffer through daily strictly to pay your bills, you end up spending your entire life wishing you had someone else’s. Think about it.  This is your life; your work will fill a large percentage of it.  It’s not all about the money; it’s about you.  Ignore the propaganda, especially from people who say, “Don’t let your work define you.”  Reverse this message and mediate on it:  “I will do work that defines me.”  When the essence of who you are defines at least some slice of the work you do for a living, that work generates fulfillment.  Bottom line:  Interest in your work puts quality in your output and happiness in your mind.  Don’t settle for a paycheck.  Shuffle around until you find work that interests you.

4.  Harboring feelings of hate. As Martin Luther King Jr. so profoundly said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”  Truth be told, when we harbor feelings of hate, it eventually gets the best of us.  It takes control of us.  We forget why we hate, what we hate, and whom we hate – we simply hate for the sake of hating.  And then, naturally, we begin to hate ourselves too. Everything and everyone you hate rents permanent space in both your head and heart.  So if you want to eliminate something or someone from your mind, don’t hate.  Instead, disconnect yourself, move on, and don’t look back.

5.  Holding tight to worries and fears. Someday when you look back over your life you’ll realize that nearly all of your worries and anxious fears never came to fruition – they were completely unfounded.  So why not wake up and realize this right now.  When you look back over the last few years, how many opportunities for joy did you destroy with needless worry and negativity?  Although there’s nothing you can do about these lost joys, there’s plenty you can do about the ones that are still to come.  You will find that it’s necessary to let some things go simply for the reason that they’re heavy on your heart and soul.  Let go of them.  Don’t clamp shackles to your own ankles.  It’s incredibly easy to enjoy more of your life right now, no matter what the situation.  It’s just a matter of letting go of the layers of nonsense that are weighing you down. Let go of your worries and fears, of your rage and jealousy, of your need to always be right and control others.  Let go of your pretentiousness and your need to have everything your way.  Underneath all these layers of nonsense there is a happy, productive person.  When you start peeling them off and simply appreciating everything for what it is, life can be wonderfully fulfilling.

6.  Dwelling on difficulties. A bad day is just a bad day.  Choose not to make it anything more.  Times of adversity will inevitably affect the conditions in which you live and work; yet you don’t have to let it affect who you are and where you’re headed.  Take note of the setbacks and adjust to them, but don’t expand on them by making them a bigger part of your life. Every day brings new lessons and new possibilities. There is always a way to take the next step forward on the path you’ve chosen.  Events may be terrible and inescapable at times, but you always have choice – if not when, then how, you may endure and proceed onward.

7.  Constantly seeking fleeting contentment. There are two variations of contentment in life – fleeting and enduring.  The fleeting type is derived from instants of material comfort, while the enduring type is attained through the gradual growth of your mind.  At a glimpse it might be difficult to decipher one from the other, but as time rolls on it becomes vividly obvious that the latter is far superior. Enduring contentment sustains itself through life’s ups and downs, because through them your mind remains confident and at peace.  On the other hand, when life’s fleeting changes have the ability to ruffle your mind into a frenzy, even the most elaborate physical comforts won’t make you any happier for very long.
8. Trying to make a big difference all at once. If you want to make a difference in the world, start with the world around you.  Making a big difference all at once is usually impossible, and the process of trying is extremely stressful.  However, instantly making a difference in a few lives is entirely possible and usually fairly easy.  You just have to focus on one person at a time and start with the one closest to you. Work to make a bunch of small splashes, and let the ripples spread naturally.  If you want to change a person’s mind or mood, sometimes you have to change the minds or moods of the people around them first.  For instance, if you make one person smile, their smile just might make others smile too.  In this subtle way, you can touch the masses with your thoughtfulness without stressing yourself out.
9.  Holding on to someone who hurts you. Sometimes you have to walk away from people, not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.  When someone hurts you time and time again, accept the fact that they don’t care about you.  It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s necessary medicine.  Do NOT strive to impress them any further.  Waste not another second of your time trying to prove something to them.  Nothing needs to be proven.  Do not act with any thought of them ever again.
10.  Over-amplifying the importance of physical attractiveness.  Infatuating yourself with someone simply for what they look like on the outside is like choosing your favorite food based on color instead of taste.  It makes no sense.  It’s innate, invisible, unquantifiable characteristics that create lasting attraction. Just as some people enjoy the smell of mint, while others prefer the scent of cinnamon, there is an undeniable, magnetic draw that attracts you to the qualities of certain people, places, and things.  Sometimes it’s even the scars your soul shares with them that reels you in and creates the very hinges that hold you together in the long run.

10 Signs it’s Time to Let Go

 

10 signs to let go

Holding on is being brave, but letting go and moving on is often what makes us stronger and happier.

Here are 10 signs it’s time to let go:

1.    Someone expects you to be someone you are not: don’t change who you are for anyone else. It’s wiser to lose someone over being yourself, than to keep them by being someone you are not. It’s easier to mend a broken heart, than it is to piece together a shattered identity. It’s a lot easier to replace a significant other, than it is find your true self where you use to be.

2.    A person’s actions don’t match their words: everybody deserves somebody who helps them to look forward to tomorrow. If someone has the opposite effect on you because their actions don’t match their words, it’s time to let them go. It’s better to be alone than lied to repeatedly. True friendship/true love is a promise made in the heart; it’s silent, unwritten and unbreakable by distance and unchangeable by time. Watch their actions and see if they match their words…if they don’t, it’s not a relationship worth being in.

3.    You catch yourself forcing someone to love you. – Let’s keep in mind that we can’t force anyone to love us.  We shouldn’t have to beg someone to stay when they want to leave.  That’s what love is all about – freedom.  However, the end of love is not the end of life.  It should be the beginning of an understanding that love sometimes leaves for a reason, but never leaves without a lesson. Be aware of these lessons. If someone truly loves you, they will never give you a reason to doubt it.  Anyone can come into your life and say how much they love you, but it takes someone really special to stay in your life and prove how much they love you.  Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right person, but that right person is always worth the wait.

4.    An intimate relationship is based strictly on physical attraction. – Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance.  It’s about what you live for.  It’s about what defines you.  It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique.  It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly.  It’s about those little quirks that make you, you.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever.  But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.

5.    Someone continuously breaks your trust. – Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to.  When you completely trust a person, without any doubt, you’ll automatically get one of two results – a FRIEND for life or a LESSON for life.  Either way there’s a positive outcome.  Either you confirm the fact that this person cares about you, or you get the opportunity to weed them out of your life and make room for those who do.  In the end you’ll discover who’s fake, who’s true, and who would risk it all for you.  And trust me, some people will totally surprise you.

6.    Someone continuously overlooks your worth. – Know your worth!  When you give yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of your soul that you’ll never get back.  There comes a point when you have to let go and stop chasing some people.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll find a way to put you there.  Sometimes you just need to let go and accept the fact that they don’t care for you the way you care for them.  Let them leave your life quietly.  Letting go is oftentimes easier than holding on.  We think it’s too hard to let go, until we actually do.  Then we ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”

7.    You are never given a chance to speak your mind. – Sometimes an argument saves a relationship, whereas silence breaks it.  Speak up for your heart so that you won’t have regrets.  Life is not about making others happy.  Life is about being honest and sharing your happiness with others.

8.    You are frequently forced to sacrifice your happiness. – If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative before you know it.  Know when to close the account.  It’s always better to be alone with dignity than in a relationship that constantly requires you to sacrifice your happiness and self-respect.

9.  You truly dislike your current situation, routine, job, etc. – It’s better to be a failure at something you love than to succeed at doing something you hate.  Don’t let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of going after yours.  The best thing you can do in life is follow your heart.  Take risks.  Don’t just make the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what might happen.  If you do, nothing will ever happen.  Chances must be taken, mistakes must be made, and lessons must be learned.  It might be an uphill climb, but when you reach that mountaintop it will be worth every ounce of blood, sweat and tears you put into it.

10.  You catch yourself obsessing over, and living in, the past. – Eventually you will overcome the heartache, and forget the reasons you cried, and who caused the pain.  Eventually you will realize that the secret to happiness and freedom is not about control or revenge, but in letting things unfold naturally, and learning from your experiences over the course of time.  After all, what matters most is not the first, but the final chapter of your life, which unveils the details of how well you wrote your story.  So let go of the past, set yourself free, and open your mind to the possibility of new relationships and priceless experiences.
 

 

 

 

Ten Rules For Being Human

10 rules for being human

Rule One – You will receive a body.
You may love it or hate it, but it will be yours for the duration of your life on Earth.

Rule Two – You will be presented with lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called “life”. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or hate them, but you have designed them as part of your curriculum.

Rule Three – There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of experimentation, a series of trials, errors and occasional victories. The failed experiments are as much as a part of the process as the experiments that work.

Rule Four – The lesson is repeated until learned.
Lessons will be repeated to you in various forms until you have learned them. When you have learned them, you can go on to the next lesson.

Rule Five – Learning does not end.
There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

Rule Six – “There” is no better than “here”.
When your “there” has become “here” you will simply obtain another “there” that will look better to you than your present “here”.

Rule Seven – Others are only mirrors of you.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

Rule Eight – What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you.

Rule Nine – Your answers lie inside of you.
All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

Rule Ten – You will forget all this at birth.
You can remember it if you want by unraveling the double helic of inner-knowing.